i actually WANT to leave him which is totally weird becuz hes the reason i live and now i feel like idk things changed i guess you could say but like tonight like he treated me like a like a stoopit bimbo that takes his rude critism and still sticks around im not his bimbo i dont want him calling me a retard and a dumb shit and stupid and all the other names he called me maybe its just that i felt reeli unloved yeah i didnt feel to loved and when i say things have change i mean that maybe maybe i dont reeli love him anymore uggh maybe i do lie threw my teeth everytime i say"i love you" maybe i dont reeli mean it maybe we arent meant to be together but god knows thats whut i want but not with the way he treated me tonite i dont want to spend the rest of my life with a dip shit that is going to call me a dumbass maybe sometimes i can be a lil stoopit but that doesnt mean he has to say all those mean things gosh and by the sound of it it reeli sounds like he thinks im cheating ive never cheated on anybody (not with a guy anywazy) i quit doing a lot of things becuz of him the least he could do is tell me hes proud of me instead of calling me a retard and telling me i need to take ridlin (sp?) he has no idea how much that reeli hurts my feelings when he says stuff like that, adult doctors use to think i reeli had A.D.D. and that i needed to take medicine and you know whut i never even needed the shit the only reason i had to take the fuking shit was becuz i wasnt a perfect FUKING 1st grader who just sat in their seat and made a fukin picture out of god damn noodles for my mother becuz that dumb bitch mrs bently wasnt a good enough fuking TEACHER to actually know how to control me so they FORCED me to go to like a million muther fuking doctors for two years of my life i dont think they realized the fuking impact that had on me it reeli does fuk u up and tonite i felt like i had gone back into the past i remember children would say horrible things about me like "kitty lives in a toilet" (i know reeli stoopit but if you were as old as i was it would have reeli hurt your feelings) they would taunt me torcher me with their awful words and they were only pre-schoolers for gods sake i remember how i would stands outside the classroom door after my sister melissa would drop me off becuz i was to afraid to walk in the classroom becuz i knew all the kids would start making fun of me i remember in preschool and most of elementary i had NO friends i remember when i was in john colman everybody new that i had to take those fuking pills wich i didnt even NEED (fuking retarded teachers) if i did something weird they would say "did you take your medicine today kitty?!!!" and i would just laugh and act like it was no biggy but deep down inside i wanted to cry it hurt my feelings and when mason tells me i need to take riddlin it fuking hurts my feeling it makes me feel just like a little pre-scooler again afraid of all my pupils it hurts my fuking feelings when he calls me names it reeli fuking hurts becuz i feel stoopit i feel dumb and i was so thankful to move hear so i could get away from that so i could get away from all those kids who made fun of me becuz i took medicine to calm me down (WHICH I DIDNT EVEN NEED!!!) and when he calls me names it just feels like im going back to that in a way its not just him who reeli hurts my feelings when he calls me names but its everyone else too like my father.....i hurts when your own fuking father calls you a whore becuz you havent brushed your teeth yet it hurts when your father calls you a lazy ass piece of shit it hurts when YOUR OWN FUKING FATHER calls you useless i reeli dont need another otis to remind me whut a useless lazy dumb FUKING shit i am i reeli dont need that

and the hole leaving him thing....well i thought that threw and decided it wasnt such a good idea...oh and another thing.......i think i reeli do love him more then i think i do tee hee.....

there mason thats whut i wanted you to read